Analysis of my query letter for Magic Lost, Trouble Found

Today's topic by request is an analysis of the query letter I wrote for Magic Lost, Trouble Found (then called Thief of Souls) in an attempt to get the attention of super-agent Kristin Nelson. If you go to Kristin's blog (see the link to "Agent Kristin" in the list to the right), she goes through a couple of her clients' query letters bit-by-bit, commenting on what it was about the letter that got her attention. It's eye-opening and I think it'd be helpful to those of you about to begin submitting your work. My letter for MLTF is one that Kristin reviews. Just scroll down in her blog until you reach "Agent Kristin's Queries: The Inside Scoop." (It's on the links list on the right.)

Since I'm one of her clients, Kristin obviously liked my letter. She requested a partial of the manuscript, then the complete manuscript, then she offered me representation. Yea! Today, I'm doing something similar to what Kristin did in her blog with my query letter, except I'm dissecting it from my point of view -- why I wrote what I wrote in an attempt to get Kristin to want to see more of MLTF. The text of my letter is in bold; my comments are in italics. Here it is:

Dear Ms. Nelson,

I made sure I got her name right. And for a female agent, "Ms." is the safe way to go. If the agent's first name is one that could either be male or female (such as "Chris"), do your homework and find out which one. Your effort will be appreciated. Big word of caution here: If you're submitting multiple queries (and don't we all), you'll be using a similar letter for each agent -- DO NOT FORGET to change the name in the salutation and address with each letter. I obsessively checked to make sure I'd done this before I hit "send," or sealed that envelope. And if you're snail-mailing, make sure the name on the letter matches the name on the envelope.

I read on Publishers Marketplace that you're interested in female-oriented fantasy. I think that Thief of Souls, the first novel in my fantasy detective series, might interest you.

I did my homework and discovered that Kristin was actively looking for female-oriented fantasy. I've heard this is a major source of query letter irritation for agents -- most of them state clearly on their websites what kind of work they represent. If an agent says they're only looking for military or thrillers, don't send them a romance.

What if you suddenly have a largely unknown, potentially unlimited power? What if that power just might eat your soul for breakfast, lunch and dinner? What if every magical mobster and sicko sorcerer in town wants that power? And what if you can't get rid of it?

I found out later that Kristin doesn't like a question in the opening lines of the meat of the query, and I gave her four. Oooops, my bad. Though there was no way I could have known that going in. But I felt that the questions summed up my story and attempted to get the agent to put themselves in Raine's situation. I also used terms like "magical mobster" and "sicko sorcerer" to hint that this isn't your normal fantasy adventure. I'm going for the fun factor, and setting the tone for the plot summary to follow.

That's Raine Benares' problem. She's a Seeker--a finder of things lost and people missing. Most of what she's hired to find doesn't get lost by itself. It has help. Dependable help. Help she can depend on to use blades or bolts or magical means to keep what they went to all the trouble to get. When her sometime partner steals an amulet from a local necromancer, Raine ends up with the amulet and the trouble that's hot on its heels. What looks like a plain silver disk turns out to be a lodestone to an ancient soul-stealing stone, a stone that seemingly every magical mobster in the city wants -- as well as a few heavy-hitters from out-of-town: goblins of the Khrynsani Order, their sadistic high priest, Guardians of the Conclave of Sorcerers, the goblin king and his renegade brother, and an elven spellsinger of dubious motives. People Raine doesn't want to have notice her, let alone have to outrun or outwit. She likes attention as much as the next girl, but this is the kind she can do without.

Again I briefly summed up just the core of the action, and I did it using the fun, light tone of the book. It's not easy, but it's vital that you be able to sum up your work in a tight, concise paragraph.

Then there's what the amulet is doing to her. New and improved magical abilities sound good in theory, but Raine thinks her soul is a little much to pay for resume enhancement. And when she tries to take the amulet off, the amulet tries to take her out. Soon Raine starts to wonder if her spells, steel and street smarts will keep her alive long enough to find a way to get rid of the amulet before it, or anyone else, gets rid of her. And the worst part? She isn't even getting paid. It's enough to make a girl consider a career change.

This paragraph is the payoff -- what the problem is and where the conflict comes into play. And again I stayed with the casual, fun and almost modern tone of the book, letting the agent know what kind of book they'd be getting if they requested a partial or full.

Thief of Souls is my first novel. I'm an editor at an advertising agency, with prior experience in corporate communications and marketing.

I had no previous publication experience, no contest wins, no nothing. So I said plainly that it was my first novel. I didn't apologize for it or try to hide it. Kristin also wanted to know a little bit about me, so I stuck with my professional writing experience. I didn't want to clutter my letter with anything that would detract from my book.

I'd be glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

I asked for what I wanted (to send her the manuscript). At this point, and in my opinion, I felt it would be premature to mention "representation." And always thank the agent for taking the time to read your letter. They're swamped, and a "thank you" is not only polite, it's appreciated. And I closed by saying that I looked forward to hearing from her soon. No pressure, no pleading, just that I'm looking forward to hearing from you, and that "soon" would be nice. ; )

Regards,

Lisa Shearin

I hope that's helpful to those of you who are about to start submitting your work. And as always, if you have any questions, don't hesitate to email or respond to the blog.

Coming up tomorrow: How much writing momentum matters, how I schedule writing a book, and when writing it's good to take it one chapter at a time.